The beginning of my Hell

I started this blog in hopes of maybe helping someone who is in the midst of their own personal HELL. Addiction is a monster it robs of us our selves our hopes dreams the hopes and dreams for our children for our marriages and destroies ever relationship we have. If you suffer from addiction you are not alone you can have a better life. At this point I have in more clean time than I had dirty time. I am also recovering the loss of my child he has been gone almost 6 years I have dealt with his death clean and sober which is something I thought I could never do. This is my journey ..................I grew up in eastern Kentucky my mom stayed home with me and my brothers while my dad drove a coal truck. From very early on I remember my dad always drinking he was the over the local chapter of the Moose Lodge for years. So growing up we always went to holiday events there seeing people drinking was a normal part of life for us. As I grew up and seen the negative effects it had not only in my dads life but in mine as well I swore I would never ever drink. When I was probably 11 or 12 my dad was injured and could no longer work which led to the beginning of his pain pill addiction. I remember seeing him passed out and getting sick to my stomach how could a person live this way I again swore to myself drugs would be something I would never do. I had done great I graduated high school and had met my first love I moved in with him his sister and parents. My parents at this time divorced my mother had had enough of my dads  drugs drinking and crazy antics. I had begun college I was going to be a nurse. I knew I wanted a child so we decided to start trying and my 2 nd semester of college I was pregnant. I was so sick day in day out but so so happy at 4 months I had a scare I had started bleeding so my doctor pulled me out of school it was bed rest.  At 8 months my brother went to prison  for 5 years. At 41 weeks my 1st son Devin was born via C-Section I had planned on natural childbirth no drugs no medical intervention but my body failed me. This was something that has laid heavily on my mind ever since and my first of many many reasons to use drugs I am a woman and couldnt even give birth. What a failure. When Devin was 2 months old he was put in the hospital for 14 days this was the beginning of a long road for us within 12 months he was in and out 22 times. Again I was a failure I could not make my baby better. His father had cheated on me the entire time and finally after 4 years of being together he looked at me and said I dont love you I want a divorce.With so much happening in such a short time I felt alone I had rekindled a friendship that would prove to be a not so good one in terms of addiction. I started smoking pot on the weekends while Devin was with his dad. Hanging out with the girls smoking pot all weekend took my mind of the disaster that was my life. My dreams were crushed my son had to visit his grandparents separately I had always dreamed of visiting them together at holidays but that wasnt going to happen now and my brother saw his nephew the first time through glass. I had failed at giving birth at keeping my marriage together. What a failure I was. It  was so much easier to smoke my problems away. 6 months into my using I was introduced to my drug of choice pain pills omg I loved the way they made me feel I could never seem to get high enough. And every time I used I felt guilty which of course made me want to use that much more. I hated myself I knew my son was going to hate me when he was old enough to realize what a failure I was. So day in and day out it was all about stuffing all of this self hate back with dope. Dope had become my new love my way of life my reason for waking up. This was the beginning of my personal HELL.............