In the depths of hell

When I started using my son was 1 it had gotten so bad by the time he was 4 I was shooting up Oxyciton day in and day out which got very very expensive but I always found a way to get it. After 6 months my mother found out and said either stop or I will help his dad get custody of him. Of course I stopped but I was still snorting pills smoking pot and drinking. I met my now husband and he was also an addict we moved in together and within 2 yrs we had our first son together when he was 4 months old my oldest sons dad passed away. 3 months later I found myself so depressed and hating life I just wanted it to end I felt like I was letting my oldest son down by paying attention to the new baby he had just lost his daddy and now his brother was here and he had me and his daddy. Plus the pregnancy hormones got the best of me. So I attempted to shot myself and was put into a mental health center for 3 weeks. Up until this point using drugs was the worst thing that had ever happened to me but once I got out and found out my boyfriend had emergency custody of our son and my oldest sons grandmother had custody of him I felt like my entire world was shattered. I saw no way out no way of fixing the huge mess I had made while using so I continued to use to stuff the pain of not having my babies. I was working with DPP and the substance abuse lady there was a God send she kept talking to me about rehab so 3 months after getting out I decided to go to treatment and I entered with a clean drug screen I knew I didnt want to be so so sick with strangers. I spent 30 days and came out feeling great better than I had in years I was attending NA meeting every day I lived by the steps and got a sponsor after months of not seeing my babies I finally was given visitation. I was determined to get my babies and my life back. My sons father had moved someone in which of course hurt me very much but I had to accept that he had moved on and I tried to also. I had went from being a hard core addict to being clean and sober and I was so proud of myself. I was living with my dad he was an alcoholic\addict so the meetings really helped he would say ahhh hell just stay here and get drunk with me that hurt me so much he was the first person to offer me anything after I got out. but he wasnt using around my kids when I had them so I dealt with it. 8 months into living with him he pulled a bottle of Jim Beam out in front of my boys it was Easter I looked at my mom and said can I stay with you she said yes that lasted about a week my younger brother also an addict didnt care to pull his dope out in front of me or my kids. So I left I was now homeless by choice I would have rather slept under a bridge than to stay with my family and them shoving dope in my face daily these were the people that should have stood behind me cheering me on and they weren't. Thank God I had made great friends in the NA Program and was able to stay with them although sometimes after being told yes I could stay I would find myself outside in the middle of the night because their parents had changed their mind. It all only made me stronger made me want to stay clean more than ever and I was determined I would have my babies back no matter what I had to do.........

The beginning of my Hell

I started this blog in hopes of maybe helping someone who is in the midst of their own personal HELL. Addiction is a monster it robs of us our selves our hopes dreams the hopes and dreams for our children for our marriages and destroies ever relationship we have. If you suffer from addiction you are not alone you can have a better life. At this point I have in more clean time than I had dirty time. I am also recovering the loss of my child he has been gone almost 6 years I have dealt with his death clean and sober which is something I thought I could never do. This is my journey ..................I grew up in eastern Kentucky my mom stayed home with me and my brothers while my dad drove a coal truck. From very early on I remember my dad always drinking he was the over the local chapter of the Moose Lodge for years. So growing up we always went to holiday events there seeing people drinking was a normal part of life for us. As I grew up and seen the negative effects it had not only in my dads life but in mine as well I swore I would never ever drink. When I was probably 11 or 12 my dad was injured and could no longer work which led to the beginning of his pain pill addiction. I remember seeing him passed out and getting sick to my stomach how could a person live this way I again swore to myself drugs would be something I would never do. I had done great I graduated high school and had met my first love I moved in with him his sister and parents. My parents at this time divorced my mother had had enough of my dads  drugs drinking and crazy antics. I had begun college I was going to be a nurse. I knew I wanted a child so we decided to start trying and my 2 nd semester of college I was pregnant. I was so sick day in day out but so so happy at 4 months I had a scare I had started bleeding so my doctor pulled me out of school it was bed rest.  At 8 months my brother went to prison  for 5 years. At 41 weeks my 1st son Devin was born via C-Section I had planned on natural childbirth no drugs no medical intervention but my body failed me. This was something that has laid heavily on my mind ever since and my first of many many reasons to use drugs I am a woman and couldnt even give birth. What a failure. When Devin was 2 months old he was put in the hospital for 14 days this was the beginning of a long road for us within 12 months he was in and out 22 times. Again I was a failure I could not make my baby better. His father had cheated on me the entire time and finally after 4 years of being together he looked at me and said I dont love you I want a divorce.With so much happening in such a short time I felt alone I had rekindled a friendship that would prove to be a not so good one in terms of addiction. I started smoking pot on the weekends while Devin was with his dad. Hanging out with the girls smoking pot all weekend took my mind of the disaster that was my life. My dreams were crushed my son had to visit his grandparents separately I had always dreamed of visiting them together at holidays but that wasnt going to happen now and my brother saw his nephew the first time through glass. I had failed at giving birth at keeping my marriage together. What a failure I was. It  was so much easier to smoke my problems away. 6 months into my using I was introduced to my drug of choice pain pills omg I loved the way they made me feel I could never seem to get high enough. And every time I used I felt guilty which of course made me want to use that much more. I hated myself I knew my son was going to hate me when he was old enough to realize what a failure I was. So day in and day out it was all about stuffing all of this self hate back with dope. Dope had become my new love my way of life my reason for waking up. This was the beginning of my personal HELL.............