In the depths of hell

When I started using my son was 1 it had gotten so bad by the time he was 4 I was shooting up Oxyciton day in and day out which got very very expensive but I always found a way to get it. After 6 months my mother found out and said either stop or I will help his dad get custody of him. Of course I stopped but I was still snorting pills smoking pot and drinking. I met my now husband and he was also an addict we moved in together and within 2 yrs we had our first son together when he was 4 months old my oldest sons dad passed away. 3 months later I found myself so depressed and hating life I just wanted it to end I felt like I was letting my oldest son down by paying attention to the new baby he had just lost his daddy and now his brother was here and he had me and his daddy. Plus the pregnancy hormones got the best of me. So I attempted to shot myself and was put into a mental health center for 3 weeks. Up until this point using drugs was the worst thing that had ever happened to me but once I got out and found out my boyfriend had emergency custody of our son and my oldest sons grandmother had custody of him I felt like my entire world was shattered. I saw no way out no way of fixing the huge mess I had made while using so I continued to use to stuff the pain of not having my babies. I was working with DPP and the substance abuse lady there was a God send she kept talking to me about rehab so 3 months after getting out I decided to go to treatment and I entered with a clean drug screen I knew I didnt want to be so so sick with strangers. I spent 30 days and came out feeling great better than I had in years I was attending NA meeting every day I lived by the steps and got a sponsor after months of not seeing my babies I finally was given visitation. I was determined to get my babies and my life back. My sons father had moved someone in which of course hurt me very much but I had to accept that he had moved on and I tried to also. I had went from being a hard core addict to being clean and sober and I was so proud of myself. I was living with my dad he was an alcoholic\addict so the meetings really helped he would say ahhh hell just stay here and get drunk with me that hurt me so much he was the first person to offer me anything after I got out. but he wasnt using around my kids when I had them so I dealt with it. 8 months into living with him he pulled a bottle of Jim Beam out in front of my boys it was Easter I looked at my mom and said can I stay with you she said yes that lasted about a week my younger brother also an addict didnt care to pull his dope out in front of me or my kids. So I left I was now homeless by choice I would have rather slept under a bridge than to stay with my family and them shoving dope in my face daily these were the people that should have stood behind me cheering me on and they weren't. Thank God I had made great friends in the NA Program and was able to stay with them although sometimes after being told yes I could stay I would find myself outside in the middle of the night because their parents had changed their mind. It all only made me stronger made me want to stay clean more than ever and I was determined I would have my babies back no matter what I had to do.........